​After I speak to groups, I open up the floor for questions. The question I receive most often is: “How did you know you wanted to speak about mental health?” Some of it goes back to what I wrote here about why I speak up on mental health issues.
 
But, it’s also a bigger question than that. Sure, it feels good to do it and I like to help others, but the how of it is something different.

What students are asking is about confidence. They want to know where I got the confidence to know I was sure enough of myself to pursue something.

In college I lacked much confidence in anything, especially myself. In fact, I’ve lacked confidence in myself for much of my life. It took many years of therapy and introspection to realize that I’m a worthwhile person who can achieve great things. I had to learn to love myself.
 
It wasn't until my mid-thirties I realized what I’m good at. And that is public speaking. People often told me how much they enjoyed the historical tours I did. They also said I was a natural storyteller. I won at The Moth, a storytelling event. My confidence grew.
 
So how did I finally get to that place where I knew this is what I wanted to do? I researched and saw one could make a career of it. I acknowledged and took to heart what others told me: I was good at public speaking. I found a topic, mental health, of which I had great passion. Finally, I very much wanted a change in my life.
 
The past fifteen years working in libraries has been my primary source of income. And while I enjoy some aspects of the work, I realized I was unhappy. I found myself depressed and in despair, both at the job and when I came home. While I still think working in libraries is a noble profession, it was not the right fit for me. I’ve learned that when we come home from work miserable, it’s time to move on. There was a coincidence of unhappiness and finding something I was good at—storytelling and public speaking. This pushed me to get out of my situation and make a change.
 
That’s how I knew speaking on mental health was what I wanted to do. It’s not for everyone, but it’s the right path for me and one I’m enjoying and find quite rewarding.
 
 
Like what you read? Want to have Kurt come talk to your group about belonging, loneliness, and mental health? Click here to contact him about speaking at your event.

​Recently a friend pointed me to an article by Gary Glass, director of counseling and career services at Oxford College, titled “Rethinking Campus Mental Health.”
 
Glass does a remarkable job exploring the importance of community in combating mental health issues on campus. Glass started as a university psychologist in the ‘90s. At that time it seemed there were more students than ever seeking out counseling services. From my observations (and Glass’s), this seems to be as much of a concern as it was decades ago. Many therapists at universities spend a great deal of time helping students with their fears and worries. These are often, unfortunately, all too typical for students. It’s important students feel they have a place to turn in times of need. Yet counselors have limited time and many students are dealing with serious mental health issues.
 
So, what if individuals and organizations at the university helped to pick up some of the slack in giving students a place to turn in time of need? Glass believes those beyond the counseling center could aid in combating stress and anxiety brought on by competition and perfectionism.

There are many reasons college students (and to a larger degree those ages 16-24) have a hard time with loneliness. One of these is a misunderstanding of social cues. I read about this as a possible cause of loneliness in my research and knew exactly what it meant.
 
For a lot of my life, I’ve dealt with low self-esteem and been hard on myself. But over the years people would say nice things to me. Yet I’d never accept them as genuine. Shutting these people down led me to not form connections, which, in turn, made me lonelier.
 
Due to a lack of life experience, it’s often hard for young adults and teens to understand what people are saying beyond their words. For example, when I was in college someone may say something to me like, “I like your shirt,” or “It was really cool talking to you the other night at the party.” And my thought pattern would go to, “They don’t really mean that. They’re just saying that because they feel they have to.” My verbal reaction would be, “Oh, thanks,” and my facial reaction would often be one of nonchalance. In doing this, I shut the door on a possible connection.
 
And when you think about it, there’s no logical sense to the notion that everyone is lying to you when they give you a compliment. There’s not some grand cabal that has gotten together and decided they want to be mean to you.
 
Think about yourself: when you compliment someone or say something nice to them, you mean it. So why would you assume that a compliment directed toward you is illegitimate?
 
When people compliment you, that’s an attempt they’re making to reach out. Next time someone says, “I like your shirt,” use that as an opportunity to ask them what they like about it. Or tell them where you got it. Or why you like it. Use that as an entry point to make a connection. That’s not to say this person is going to become your new best friend, but they might. And as is the case so often with making connections, you don’t know if you don’t try.

So, don’t hesitate to accept the compliment and use it as a starting point to develop what could become a genuine relationship.


Like what you read? Want to have Kurt come talk to your group about belonging, loneliness, and mental health? Click here to contact him about speaking at your event.

College isn’t the only time one can feel loneliness strike. In fact, I recognized loneliness much more in my two graduate programs.
 
Like college, few people knew one another. We bonded over classes and looked the other way at personality flaws that our peers exhibited. In my second grad program I met so many people dealing with mental health issues. There were barely functioning alcoholics. Few of us seemed to be aware of how to handle relationships—either friendships or dating.
 
In both grad programs I found myself close to some people one semester and then distanced from them the next. I’d meet someone at a party, find them fascinating, dream of what our relationship or friendship might become, and then never see them again. They’d sit in my mind for days or weeks, until the next person came along for whom I’d pin all my hopes of connection.
 
My mental health wasn’t stable during those years and I was too scared to come out and share my problems. I felt loneliness creep into my life. There were peers in my program with whom I felt a connection, but they always seemed to have plans with other people. I couldn’t decide if it was me or them or both of us. Why couldn’t we connect when I saw how much we were all drowning in our despair and loneliness?
 
By my second year of my American Studies grad program I was in the depths of research on my thesis topic: Christian scare films of the 1970s. Needless to say, I was one of the only people working on this subject in the United States. This made it difficult to connect with others on the thing that engulfed my life for nine months.

This disconnect left me feeling even lonelier. In both my graduate programs people bonded over their connection with school. They threw themselves into sex and drinking. This allowed them to deal with the awkwardness, the anxiety, and the introverted nature they were trying to overcome.

For my part, I dated, went to house parties, and threw myself into my school work. With my American Studies program, I spent long hours tucked away in the graduate program’s office, a windowless cinder block rectangle. It was a cold, dark room, but I could be alone and not bothered there on Sunday afternoons and evenings.

Looking back I see how the alcohol and mental health issues exacerbated our relationships. These things prohibited our ability to make connections. We were so desperate to meet others and find a sense of belonging that we tried relationships with people we otherwise might never have. Our school brought us closer together but it wasn’t enough.

What I should’ve done during this time was seek others who shared similar interests as me. I didn’t even know who I was then or what I wanted. But using something like the EASE method would’ve been of great help.

If you are considering going to get a masters degree or PhD, know that graduate school can be a very lonely time. It can also be quite exciting. Prepare yourself, mentally, for the challenges that may come with being in a new place and new people. Know that as you get focused in your area of study, it may cause you to feel quite alone. Make preparations to extend yourself to find others.

The power is in your hands to make graduate school a success, not only on an academic level but also on a social one.
 
 
Like what you read? Want to have Kurt come talk to your group about belonging, loneliness, and mental health? Click here to contact him about speaking at your event.

I’ve been struggling with patience. And not only recently. My lack of patience has been an issue for me for a long time. Something happened many years ago—I attempted to take my life. That was a difficult time in my life, but I’ve come out of that place with a clearer direction of who I want to be and where I want to go.
 
There was a time in my life where I wanted to try everything. I wanted to be a stand-up comedian, I wanted to act in plays, I wanted to be a well-known writer. I had dreams of saving up money to travel the world for a year. I thought about learning to climb mountains. Yet I’ve come to realize that unfortunately, we don’t have enough time in our lives to do all that we desire.
 
So we have to focus. And for my part I’ve chosen to focus on mental health. Sharing my experiences with loneliness and mental health issues enables me to do public speaking (which I enjoy) as well as travel.
 
I’ve always been a person who lacks patience, though. I want things to be over with so I can get to the good stuff: the trips I’ve planned, the holidays I enjoy, the visits from friends. I want work to be over so I can go to the gym, and then I want the gym to be over so I can go home and take a shower. Then I want the night to be over so I can sleep and the work week to be over because on the weekends I get to work on what I really desire: my writing and speaking.
 
In doing so I often miss the simple pleasures of life: the warmth of the sun, the fine writing of a good sentence in a book, the soft fur of my cat.
 
My lack of patience also causes me to not appreciate my successes. I look past when I do things I enjoy such as speak with audiences or share a story that gets a good laugh. I acknowledge it, but never seem to fully appreciate it.

I want to go to the next thing and complete my next goal.

I find that my lack of patience can raise my irritability. It leads me to become grumpy when things don’t go the right way. I can also get depressed and desperate. When a success seems as though it’s a year or two away and will need a great deal of work I can despair. I worry that my depression and anxiety will overwhelm me before then.

So what can I do in these situations?

1. Take some time to slow down and appreciate the little things. I’ve found meditation helps me relax and learn to focus on what is bothering me. I can appreciate my breath. I may not always be able to stop at any time during the day and enjoy my experience at that moment, but I’m at least trying and that’s worth something.
 
2. Recognize during those times of anxiety and impatience that “This too shall pass.” I will get to my goal at some point, as I have so many times before. And when that happens…
 
3. Enjoy and celebrate those successes. Go out to dinner with friends, make myself a cake, tell my friends and family. We all deserve love and respect no matter what goes on. There’s nothing wrong with loving ourselves. We can show the same appreciation for a job well done as we would for a friend who accomplishes something great.


Like what you read? Want to have Kurt come talk to your group about belonging, loneliness, and mental health? Click here to contact him about speaking at your event.

I’m not a very competitive person. I don’t play sports and don’t care who wins big events like the Super Bowl or the NBA finals. Over the years my competitive nature has dwindled and gone extinct for the most part. There is an exception, though.
 
I realized in the past year that I am a competitive person when it comes to storytelling. I would never have guessed it, but when I go to storytelling contests, I want to do very well. I want the judges and crowd to like me. I put a lot of practice into my stories and try and sculpt them to be perfect.
 
Last fall I told a serious story about how a friend helped draw me out of a suicidal situation. I told it for The Moth and this particular event happened at a comedy club. The crowd was greater than any of the StorySlams in which I’d participated. I’ve talked about mental health at storytelling events quite often and gotten a good response. But that was from people who were in a lounge environment. These folks expected humor, given that this event was at a comedy club. While the stories didn’t have to be funny, I could tell the crowd wasn’t going to be on my side as I shared about a personal, deep subject.
 
When I finished, the scores came in and they were nowhere near what I hoped. I wasn’t going to win. It stung to not do as well as I hoped, but even more so because I had made myself vulnerable. I spoke in front of a bunch of strangers who were not my usual audience. I put personal feelings out there—deep ones that tied to some of the lowest parts of my life. Once I saw those scores, I left the venue. I felt dejected and hurt. All that practice and self-exposure and all I got were a few laughs and a crummy score.
 
Yet, in some ways, this is what my life has become: making myself vulnerable. Recently, I watched Brené Brown’s special on Netflix, The Call to Courage. In it she speaks of the effort it takes to be vulnerable and asks us to take on that challenge.

In our culture there is an idealization of the “loner.” The person who doesn’t need any friends and is okay with being on their own. They’re depicted as strong and don’t need support from anyone or anything. They have a sense of fortitude that can withstand all sorts of storms.
 
When I think of the loner what comes to mind is a romanticized figure like James Dean. Or, I’m reminded of this scene from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure:

When I speak with students, one of the things I tell them is that when they try and break free of loneliness, there are times they will fail. In fact, they may try many times to make connections with others, only to strike out the majority of the time.
 
But there is importance in itself in trying. It shows that we care and we still have an interest in making an effort. We haven’t given up and believe change can happen—that we will find a sense of belonging.
 
In making attempts to connect to others, it also teaches us what does—and doesn’t—work.
 
For years I thought the best way to meet people was to volunteer at non-profit organizations. I believed that I would find connections at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. And while that may have been possible, I was ignoring the fact that there were likelier ways for me to find friends. I should’ve looked for those who had similar interests as me.
 
I didn’t have a guide to help me out of my loneliness, so I was making stabs in the dark. I was searching for anything that might work.
 
If I had been reflective, I would’ve seen that these failures were saying to me, “Kurt, you’re not going to find your connections through this avenue. Try something else.” And I’ve learned over the years that there are certain groups with whom I connect better than others.
 
It would be easy to see the inability to make friends as a sign that no one likes me. Instead, what I learned was narrowing down the areas in which I could find belonging. I didn't realize that at the time and I didn’t make an attempt to sit down and analyze what my interests are. Some might look at those times as failures. But now I look back and see them as part of the process by which I can find the communities with whom I have a connection.
 
For me, those include speakers, writers, and individuals who want to help people. I’m still open to other groups, but this is my starting point: those who are going through a similar journey as me, even if it’s not the exact same thing. It’s the best place to start. It’s the collective that I’m seeking.

What about you? Where have you looked and not found connections? Are there other groups you might seek out to develop community?

​
Like what you read? Want to have Kurt come talk to your group about belonging, loneliness, and mental health? Click here to contact him about speaking at your event.

If there was a team of individuals dropped into your life for five days and their goal was to improve various aspects of it, what would it look like for you?
 
That’s somewhat of the premise of the hit Netflix show, Queer Eye. I’ve always found these fixer-upper shows (whether it’s about people or a house) to be of interest, but something about Queer Eye got my attention.
 
One thing I like about this version of the show (it was on TV before with a different cast) is that it started in Atlanta, Georgia. The latest season (the third) took place in Kansas City, Missouri. I appreciate that the five gay men involved are going to places that may not have as much interaction with those in the LGBT community. The cast interacts with hunters and church-goers, those who aren’t wealthy, and those not from the ivory tower.
 
The five men (Antoni, Bobby, Jonathan, Tan, and Karomo) all address a different aspect of the life of an individual. Antoni helps teach them how to cook, often with an eye toward eating healthy. Bobby remodels their house or apartment, which is often a complete mess. Jonathan handles hair and makeup while Tan deals with clothes. Finally, Karomo works with their mental and emotional health.
 
One of the reasons I love the show so much is the personalities of the characters. They’re unique and fun but also sensitive. They're making the lives of others better, and that’s great to see, especially in a time when people are so quick to tear others down.
 
I also appreciate that their help often addresses mental health. So many people have found their lives beaten down due to not feeling good about themselves or their surroundings, what they eat or how they look. Queer Eye seeks to intervene and improve lives and in doing so can often address their mental health. The characters are sympathetic to the plight of their guests and that is very much needed when it comes to the area of mental health. Karomo, especially, has often intervened and helped others with their anxiety and depression. His calming presence is encouraging.
 
I’ve thought about what changes the Fab Five (as they’re also known) could make in my life. I’m bald and don’t have a beard, so I’m not sure Jonathan could be of much help in that regard, but my skincare routine could probably use some work. Generally my clothes are pretty good, although I wouldn’t turn down a paid shopping spree with Tan. Food-wise I know I could eat more veggies, so Antoni might be able to show me a few quick and easy ways to cook them and incorporate them into meals. Despite what I speak about, I’m interested in finding ways to make connecting with others easier, so I bet Karomo could help me with that. Finally, I’d love to see what Bobby would do with my apartment, although I think it’s in pretty good shape.
 
But that's just me. How would you like to see your life improved by the Fab Five? Are there any of the aspects they tackle that you can deal with on your own or with the help of friends?
 
 
Like what you read? Want to have Kurt come talk to your group about belonging, loneliness, and mental health? Click here to contact him about speaking at your event.

What’s it like to speak to others about this topic that I’ve made so key in my life? Allow me to give you an idea what it was like to speak at an Active Minds chapter at a university in Boston. Active Minds is a mental health group on hundreds of universities around the United States and Canada. Their focus is students ages 14-25 and they began in 2001. They’re the most well-known mental health group that works with students on college campuses.

I never know how many people will be at an Active Minds talk. The lives of college students are busy. Sometimes there may be five people and other times thirty-five. It’s always hard to say. I set expectations low and force my mind to acknowledge as a reality that there will be four or five folks there. I will make it intimate and relaxed—more conversational. But I also am aware of what I should do if there are many more students than just a handful.

I was pretty excited when I showed up to this particular gig to find approximately twenty-five students sitting in the classroom.
 
I brought up my PowerPoint presentation. I try not to have too many slides—enough to reinforce primary points.

And then I set in to share my own story of dealing with loneliness in college and how I found myself in that position because of my mental health issues. I stopped at one point in the middle to ask some students their thoughts on why their age group (18-22 year olds) has some of the highest rates of loneliness. They came up with good responses that left me impressed—this was a very self-aware group of individuals.
 
I followed this up by explaining things they could do to help with their loneliness. There are tools they might use to get out of it should they find themselves in that situation.
 
When my presentation was over I took some questions from the audience. There were good responses from everyone, including asking how I got into speaking about mental health. I was also asked why I suggested volunteering as a good means to make connections.
 
Afterward I spoke with a few students and handed out my contact info. I find speaking with students one-on-one to be my favorite part of the evening. I am always curious how they connect to what I shared. I’m also interested in getting a pulse on what is happening amongst a group of individuals to which I am so passionate to speak to.

Every speaking gig is a little different because human beings are unique. But on the whole, that’s what it’s like to speak on the subject of loneliness to university students. It takes a lot of time and practice but it’s worth it. Why? Because what I’ve said can have a positive effect on others. Also, the responses I receive afterward, both in person and through messages, are encouraging. These responses give me a sense of purpose and drive to help me continue with living my life to help others.

Like what you read? Want to have Kurt come talk to your group about belonging, loneliness, and mental health? Click here to contact him about speaking at your event.

I recently turned forty. Not too long ago I was speaking with a friend about milestone birthdays, the ones after we hit twenty-one and which start a new decade of our lives. Some people like to make a big deal about these birthdays. They use turning thirty, forty, or fifty to reflect on where they’ve been in the past ten years and to look ahead at the next decade.
 
Many individuals like to celebrate these experiences with a large gathering of friends and family, or a big trip. Perhaps they take this opportunity to buy themselves something nice. After all, you only turn forty once!

This is an important milestone for many, but it’s hard for me to approach the declaration of this new decade as any different than others. The reason is simple: I’m a survivor of many attempts to take my life.

But what does that have to do with celebrating birthdays? Quite a bit, actually. There is something about trying to kill myself that caused me to change my outlook on life. Once I was through the darkest years of my psyche, I realized that it was somewhat amazing I was even alive.

When I was in high school I couldn’t imagine going to college. I didn’t see a future for myself. In college I couldn’t see what lay beyond that time. And I couldn’t contemplate that I would be alive at thirty. After my second suicide attempt in 2011 when I was 32, I had to confront the fact that I would be around quite a while. And that meant life had to take on a different meaning.

Over the past eight years that has meant learning to understand what it is I want to do with my life. In my case it means helping those who have gone through similar experiences as mine. We can all use some guidance from those who have undergone times like the ones we’re battling.

From the point of my second suicide attempt onward, I realized that life was going to keep happening. I would continue to get older. I could see the possibility of me living to be eighty or even ninety. Thus, every year I turn older, whether it’s thirty-eight or forty, has been an unexpected surprise. I never thought I’d be here. So certain years don’t have a particular meaning for me. It’s all icing on the cake in a life I never expected to live. But now that I’m here, I’m trying to do my best to make it worthwhile and helpful for others.

We've all made it through tough experiences. Utilizing that time in our lives can give us a sense of purpose and direction as we help others undergoing the same thing. What are your difficult life experiences? How can you use those to aid others who might be going through similar situations?


Like what you read? Want to have Kurt come talk to your group about belonging, loneliness, and mental health? Click here to contact him about speaking at your event. 

It's scary to put one’s story out there. To really put it out there. When a blog post goes up, it feels as though it’s a drop in the bucket in the sea of personal opinions that comprise the world wide web.
 
But, I shared my story in a book that came out in March of this year titled Lemonade Stand, Volume 2. It’s a short essay of about 1000 words. But it’s a good summary on how I went from a depressed individual to someone who now helps others through my speaking and writing about mental health. And now it’s out there and it’s permanent in print. People I don't know will be able to hold my writing, put it on their bedside table, and have it on hand for years to come. The spine of the book will stare at them from their shelf.
 
The editor of the book, Josh Rivedal, approached me in 2018. I reached out to him earlier in the year asking about guidance for getting into the mental health speaking realm. We corresponded and spoke on the phone and he gave me some good tips and explained how he broke into the field.
 
I wrote my essay and went back and forth with some edits with Josh before finally getting the content settled. I also wrote a short bio. Then I forgot about the book, or at least put it in the back of my mind, as it was going to be many months until it came out.
 
Then, in February of this year, it arrived in the mail. I read what I wrote. It was months since I had seen it. I was happy with how it turned out and how well I felt it expressed my experiences. I read the other writers' stories. Like me, they all took experiences that some might say were bad or difficult and turned them around. I found many to be inspiring. I hoped my tale did the same.
 
I reached out to my hometown newspaper and got an article written about me and the book. I never thought I’d have an article about myself printed in the paper in whose pages I read comics as a kid. Now people in my past were going to know about my experiences with mental health and depression and being in a hospital for attempting to take my life. It’s daunting to put out your faults and failures for all to look at, especially those who know you from your past.

So why did I do this? I believe in my message. I believe things can get better for people. And I know the best way to help others is to share my own message.

Truth and honesty are some of the most important values in my life. Being authentic with others in the hope I can help them is something I admire. So it’s something I’ve sought to do.

As I wrote at the beginning—it’s scary to do this. But I know that it will help others. I know it has helped others. If you’re reading this, know that you don’t have to be a mental health advocate and become a full-time speaker to make a difference in the lives of others. You can start in a simple way—be honest and true with those around you. What would that look like? How can you use your experiences with mental health or loneliness or any other issue that gives you difficulty and use that to help others?


Like what you read? Want to have Kurt come talk to your group about belonging, loneliness, and mental health? Click here to contact him about speaking at your event.

​Recently a proposal has come forth that a pill might be developed to deal with the symptoms of loneliness. As one of the researchers on the work suggested, the “goal is not to make people stop feeling lonely altogether, but to interfere with the ways loneliness affects the brain and body.”
 
I can understand the idea of wanting to tackle the physical affects of loneliness as they can be quite harmful. It can make us more susceptible to cognitive decline, cardiovascular problems, and cancer. These are topics worthy to address and find ways to handle.
 
I have my doubts about medications, though. That’s not to say I’m against medication at all. While I do take pills to handle my anxiety and depression, it’s because there is a chemical imbalance in my brain. It’s something I cannot change.
 
Yet there are mechanisms available to handle loneliness. These include utilizing the EASE method. Focusing on social skills needed to develop connections seems far more appropriate in addressing loneliness. Also, in utilizing social skills there wouldn't be possible side effects which often come with medication.
 
There's no doubt loneliness has physical side effects. Yet it's possible the nature of the problem is more with a mental health issue that can come about because of prolonged periods of being alone. A pill to address loneliness may be missing the real issues, which relate more to mental health concerns. Such conditions are treatable through therapy, medications or a combination thereof. In conjunction with learning social skills needed to make connections, undesired effects of loneliness can be overcome.
 
I’m curious to see more research on the subject, but at this point seeking out a pill to “cure” the physical aspects of loneliness seems to be missing the underlying issues of the situation. 

​“Is it possible I’m unlikeable? Perhaps it’s my personality and behavior that causes no one to want to share my company.” That was a nagging thought during my times of loneliness. Yet I came to find out that wasn’t the case. What I was feeling was the stigma often associated with loneliness rather than the reality of the situation.

The reality was that I was having a hard time connecting with others. And that was because I didn’t know how to go about making connections.
 
Today it seems as though people are more willing to admit to a mental health issue such as depression or anxiety than they are that they are lonely. The judgment I had toward myself when I was lonely kept me from reaching out to others for fear of stigmatization. The fact that I couldn’t reach out to others for help out of a fear of judgment made me feel worse. I believed I should be able to get free of the feelings of loneliness I had.
 
This inability to free myself of loneliness goes back to feelings of self-sufficiency that many of us carry in Western culture. It’s based on an idea of pulling one’s self up by their boot straps and working things out on our own. This idea of self-sufficiency is that it's seen as weakness to need help. Indeed, as the late Professor John Cacioppo said in an article from a 2016 story from The New York Times: “The very word 'lonely' carries a negative connotation…signaling social weakness, or an inability to stand on one’s own.”
 
So what can we do about this stigma? As with most issues, it’s important that people who are suffering from this issue speak up. If we share that we are experiencing loneliness, it's easier for others to feel comfortable sharing their troubles. It’s one of the reasons I talk about this through my speaking and writing.
 
Also, bringing attention to the issue as a society is helpful. Directing funds to research and public programs can be of great help in showing individuals how to break free from the grips of loneliness. Education on methods by which one can find connections would go a long way to break down the stigma.
 
At the close of my talk on loneliness I say the same thing: “You’re not alone in feeling lonely.” It’s so important to remind others of that in the hopes that those few words can make a difference to break down stigma. It's a stigma that keeps so many from receiving the help they need to find connections.

“Just get out there.”

“Meet people.”

​“Be social.”
 
If you’re a depressed or lonely person, I’m sure you’ve heard these kinds of statements. It sounds simple enough. But for those in the depths of loneliness or suffering from mental illness, acting on such statements seems like an insurmountable challenge.
 
On the face of it, socializing with others sounds like a good suggestion. It can (and most often does) make us feel better to interact with others. If we are feeling down, socialization can help us take our minds off of whatever is bothering us at the time.
 
Yet, with the depressed person, it seems as though the feeling of escape from one’s problems doesn’t come with much relief afterward. When the conversation ends and both parties go their own way, thoughts of worthlessness and self-doubt can return.
 
A study by the University of Michigan revealed that people with depression don’t get as much long-term comfort from social interactions as those who aren’t depressed.
 
So, socialization is important! It’s part of who we are as human beings. And it’s something we should include in our lives for better mental health.
 
But if it’s so hard for depressed people to get together with others, how can one make it easier for one’s self?
 
What’s key to feeling comfortable with socialization and having it create joy in your life is receiving treatment. This can take many different forms including medication, therapy, or positive psychology techniques.
 
Treatment is critical when one is handling mental health issues. As one would seek physical therapy for back issues, mental health treatment can lead to improvements in mood. By taking medication and going to therapy, I’ve learned to learn to be more comfortable with social settings. It’s not easy in large group settings, but it has gotten better over the years.
 
Thanks to the time and work I’ve put in, I am now in a place where socialization is more meaningful and appreciated. And in that way, my times of socialization have helped me with the times that depression affected me. Those connections get me in tune with that part of me that needs to be around my peers and to feel accepted by part of a group. It’s a lot of effort but one that has helped me greatly in dealing with my depression.

​I’ve always lived in cities or suburban areas. It’s not been intentional, but it's where the jobs are or my friends live.
 
I’ve lived in big cities since 2006 and enjoy the realm of opportunities. I’ve often thought about residing in rural settings, though.
 
There’s something desirous about living amongst nature and with few neighbors. I've always had an emotional connection to rural settings and enjoy the solitude (not to be confused with loneliness).
 
My grandparents lived on a farm in rural Indiana all their lives and there were times I contemplated buying their house when they passed on. I thought it would be great to live amongst rows of corn and soybeans, have time to write, and practice some hobby.
 
I spent time in their nearby town, though, and realized the attitudes of people weren’t quite the same as mine. Confederate flags were flown and life focused on farming, something of which I have no understanding. I'd be hard pressed to find a good vegetarian meal. Still, there was something to this idea of living apart and away from others.
 
I currently live in Boston and today I gravitate to the idea of moving to rural New England. I’d still like to work on my writing and develop some hobby, maybe have a kid and be a stay-at-home dad. Rural New England could be a nice mixture of my values, a connection to the environment, and an occasional vegetarian meal at a restaurant.
 
I think about what my loneliness would do if I didn’t live near others, though. That might spur me to become closer with the few neighbors who were within a mile of me. It's also likely I'd take part in activities in the town nearest to where I lived. It may be that living in a rural setting would be all I needed to develop those relationships I lack. From research I’ve seen, it appears loneliness affects everyone, whether we’re in the city or the country.

I’ve had many opportunities to make connections with people in the city. Yet, given the plethora of folks to choose from, I tend to find myself more picky than I would be if I was in a rural setting. And if I found myself in a place where I had no one else from which to choose to connect.

So it's possible I would find connections easier if I moved to rural New England or my grandparents’ farm. Or perhaps it’s more important I work at building community, no matter where I am. I love both rural and urban settings in equal amounts.
 
Thus, it’s a trade off of the simplicity and quiet of the rural areas with the number of opportunities available in the city. We don’t always get to choose but both can provide experiences of loneliness and social isolation. Yet both are also capable of building connections. In the end, I suppose it's important for me to always be making an effort no matter where I find myself. 

In high school I was a conflicted person. I found myself torn apart by a desire to do good and be a well-behaved kid, one who pleased his parents and teachers. At the same time I was angry and irritable. I grew frustrated with others often. Amongst the students at my school and my church I was a black sheep. I was into punk rock and the lifestyle it led, minus the drinking and drugs. But I dressed the part. I acted tough and indifferent.

I found myself not in any huge trouble, but got kicked out of my fair share of classes due to speaking back to the teachers. At first I felt guilty for my actions but suppressed those feelings because I was so angry at everyone and everything.
 
I didn’t realize at the time that my anger and frustration was in part a result of being a teenager. It was also in part from my depression and irritability. I didn’t know how to express myself and everything I felt. I didn’t feel as though there was anyone I could speak with about what I was going through.
 
In my college years I stuck out like a sore thumb. I went to a conservative, Christian college. Although I identified myself as a Christian at that time, my sense of humor, style of dress, and attitude aligned with punk values caused me to stick out.
 
The story of everything that occurred between then and now is long. And I can’t point to only one or two experiences which changed my way of being. I now dress like a lot of other people, although I eschew trends and high fashion. I’m as comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt as anything else.
 
What I’ve discovered is the best way to stick out and set yourself apart as a radical is to show kindness and empathy. So many people are drowning in hate, frustration, and anger. Loving others who frustrate you is a radical notion.
 
Especially in the age in which we live, taking time to listen to others will set you apart. It will cause you to draw attention more than someone with a pink mohawk that is a foot tall or if you have piercings all over your face. It takes physical strength to endure a tattoo or piercing. But putting one’s self out there for sustained periods of emotional challenges is fierce and not easy.
 
So why do I go this route? Because the payoff is remarkable. And because I’ve learned that being rude and talking back to people feeds on itself. It solves nothing and leads to no progress. It strikes with the fist and crushes others. But showing dedication and love to others can make lives better and cause others to smile, hope, and live to their fullest.

Some aim to live in power, lording themselves over others. My goal is to show humility. It’s a wonderful path to take to be this kind of black sheep, and something far better than any type of outcast I may have been in high school.

I write a lot about connections, loneliness, and belonging. It’s important to have community in our lives. It makes us healthier, physically, mentally, and emotionally. And even though I’m not yet forty, I’ve been fortunate to have some friendships for over twenty or even thirty years. I find those friendships rewarding. We do our best to keep in touch via email and social media. I also try and visit these friends once or twice a year. Our brief times together provide me with much encouragement.
 
But there’s a flipside to this: how do you know when it’s time to end a friendship? As an article on friendship pointed out: “When getting together feels like an obligation, you dread seeing someone or you walk away from dinner feeling angry, frustrated or dissatisfied, it may signal that the friendship is faltering and the end is near.”
 
It’s possible we have a toxic friendship. There are people that abuse our time and sympathy (I call them emotional vampires because they suck our emotions and give nothing back). It’s often the case that we wish to do what we can to save the friendship—especially if it’s one we’ve maintained for many years. Yet, for the sake of our own mental health it can sometimes be best to end that relationship.
 
When I have found a friendship to be overwhelming me emotionally, what I often do is first try and confront the friend in an honest manner. I let them know what they’re doing and that while I still care for them, they way in which they’re approaching our friendship is difficult for me.
 
If that gentle reminder doesn’t help, it is good to speak again with them. But if repeated discussions don’t change the person’s behavior, it can be best to extract one’s self from the relationship.
 
In doing so there might be feelings of remorse and sadness from letting go of something that you may have once held dear. But keep in mind that your mental health is what is most important in this situation. It can be key to look after yourself, especially if the relationship is causing mental or emotional distress for you.
 
When it comes to the actual extraction, lessening the frequency of communication is the best means to do so. It doesn’t mean to stop speaking with them cold turkey, but it can mean instead of your monthly call or email, make it every other month. If you’re in their city or town for another reason, don’t reach out to let them know you’re there. If they find out later you were around, assure them you were busy the entire time you were there and didn’t have a moment to spare.
 
If the friend confronts you on your behavior, be honest with them. Explain that you spoke with them about changing their behavior to make the friendship more equal and that s/he didn’t adjust. Tell them that you have to watch out for relationships that are difficult for your mental health. There is no reason to feel shame—your mental health is more important than any of your friendships.
 
The relationship may find a rekindling. That is the ideal situation. Your friend sees how their actions caused problems with your relationship and then changes their behavior. Barring that, though, you may have to make a clean break with that friend. It can be difficult and there will likely be feelings of remorse and as though part of you has died. And it’s okay to feel that way, because when we lose something important in our lives, it’s natural to grieve.

At moments such as that, turn to other friends and family. Give yourself time to feel your feelings. And then continue to build new relationships. Leave the past in the past knowing that you did your best to save the friendship and had to look after yourself. And when dealing with the precious area of mental health, you can never be too safe. 

My brain has gotten me to the hospital emergency room more than the rest of my body. I’ve been twice, both in 2011. I read an article about people who had bad experiences in the ER with their mental health so I thought it might be good to share what’s happened to me. I wrote about my first experience in the ER in the last blog entry. You can find that here.
 
The content below is an excerpt from my memoir, Fiercely Lonely, which will be released at some future date.
​
The second time I was in the emergency room it was as though I was another person. This time was for an actual suicide attempt, as opposed to the first experience, which was for suicidal thoughts. After my attempt to take my life I became dead inside, but somehow still functioning. It was as though my mind kicked into a role it knew how to perform, but one which I was unaware of until that moment.

I went to a different ER than the first occasion, one closer to my apartment. In fact, I walked through Harvard’s Arboretum on a sunny, warm June morning. I listened to the birds chirp and saw the squirrels play and then proceeded to stroll into the hospital. I carried with me my gym bag packed with clothing and items I knew I would need for a week at a psychiatric facility.

At the hospital nurses and doctors asked me questions and with no shame I answered them in a blunt manner. I told them exactly what I did and spared no detail. The staff acted cool and calm and casual. Sometimes they were friendly. At other moments alienating, their conversations mechanical and detached. A suicide experience heightened their senses, though. I understood they took it seriously by the questions they asked and the way they approached me. The questions were the same as the first time I’d been in the hospital: “What did you try to do?” “Why did you try to do it?” And down the line it went.

I didn’t have to spend the night at the hospital the second time. Once again, through this new survival role that my brain possessed, I advocated for myself. I made sure to speak up for what I believed to be the best option for me.

The first time I was in the psych ward, people who could talk and were coherent shared everything related to their mental health experiences. They rated meds and doctors and other hospitals. They told me the best hospitals to go to, and while in the hospital the second time around I still remembered their words. “Can you see if there is room at Lochstead for me?” I asked the ER doctor. “I want to go to Lochstead.” Time stopped and I exited. Lochstead it was. 

My brain has gotten me to the hospital emergency room more than the rest of my body. I’ve been twice, both in 2011. I read an article about people who had bad experiences in the ER with their mental health so I thought it might be good to share what’s happened to me. There is a range of experiences in emergency rooms for those with mental health issues. You never know what might happen, so it’s always good to go if you’re feeling as though you may harm yourself.

At the end of 2010 my psychiatrist and I changed up my medication and things weren’t going so well. I had intense suicidal ideation and didn’t feel safe so in February 2011 I went to the ER at a local hospital in Boston that also had a mental health ward. My insurance provider’s website directed me there. I had no context to know whether it would be a good fit so it was pretty much like throwing a dart at a list.
 
The content below is an excerpt from my memoir, Fiercely Lonely, which will be released at some future date.

The entry to the emergency room was smooth and the wait time non-existent. I felt calm and casual with my conversation with the nurse and intake worker. As I went through the check-in process and found my way into a bed in the emergency room, I actually felt pretty good, all things considered. I received my own room with my own bed within the ER. There was a nurse’s station outside that watched over all the rooms. Once ensconced I changed into a gown and received a blanket and lay down while Valerie (my girlfriend) sat in a chair next to me. A nurse came in and asked what I had planned to do to kill myself. At first I thought that was none of her business, but I realized that she was asking so that she could keep an eye on me.

There was a window where a woman sat and looked at me every few seconds but otherwise kept her head down in a book or crossword puzzle. I didn’t understand why she kept looking at me, as I thought she was a nurse. But I soon realized she was the person making sure I didn’t kill myself. That was her only job: making sure I stayed alive.

Throughout the evening a psych doctor came to ask me questions. She was very calm and gentle in her presentation and with the manner in which she queried about my condition. The typical questions were: Do you want to kill yourself? Do you have a history of mental illness? Have you tried to kill yourself before? She spoke without belying a sense of happiness or sadness. Her manner was direct. I felt uncomfortable with her because she appeared embarrassed to be around me. Was it because she wasn’t used to handling mentally ill patients? Or was I being too sensitive?

The psych doctor didn’t have many answers at that time; they were looking to see if there would be an opening in the ward for me the next day. If not, I would spend the day in the ER once again. I couldn’t imagine sleeping on that bed for more than one night. It wasn’t made for any sense of comfort, cushioned but without much depth, the vinyl feeling unnatural against my skin. I didn’t want to get up too much and worry the nurse and the woman watching me. I was, even at my worst, more concerned with others instead of my own sense of well-being.

With my future placement in question, I did the best I could to make myself comfortable. My clothes and other items went into a locker. My sense of suicide and depression was still hovering in the background. It was waiting for an opportunity to make itself known once the newness of my situation had worn off.

I tried to sleep as my guardian peered into my living space to make sure I still existed. I received water, and nurses checked my blood pressure and vitals throughout the night. I felt as comfortable as one could in that situation. It was the best they could do, all things considered. I wondered if everyone I had so far encountered deemed my rather cheery albeit somewhat tempered disposition confusing.

I woke up in the middle of the night a couple of times to go to the bathroom (located down the hall). Both times I exited my room I noticed that the woman set to watch me had fallen asleep. One time, as I left the room, she woke up, startled, and stared at me, mouth agape with a surprised look on her face. It was as though she was looking at an angelic apparition and yet at that moment I was far from any sense of perfection.

Outside my room, the nurse at the ER station looked up from reading her magazine and asked me, “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just need to go to the bathroom,” I replied with an upbeat tone in my voice.

“Okay honey,” she said and went back to her magazine.

When I got up the next morning, I turned on the TV encased behind Plexiglas. I kept track of what was occurring with the latest round of riots in the Middle East. My sense of self-destruction failed to silence my curiosity with what was going on in the world.

The same doctor from the previous evening was still on duty the following morning. After the routine blood pressure check by the nurse, staff told me there was a room for me in the psych ward. This hospital was a preferred provider by my insurance, a perk in my situation. I learned later that at other hospitals people often spent two or three days in the ER before receiving a transfer to a psych ward. People were falling apart all over the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. ​

I’ve been going through many changes in my life with not only a new job but also a redirection for my future. I’m desiring to do something that will have a bigger impact on those around me through mental health writing and speaking. These are all positive things and yet they stress me out a great deal. Change is never easy, but as someone who struggles with anxiety and depression, I learned a few things that are of some help during such times.

1. Keep your routine as much as possible
This isn’t always easy for everyone in times of change, especially if you have a longer commute or work a different shift. But, it’s important to establish a routine in that new schedule sooner rather than later. Many of us find a routine to be comforting as the general chaos of our lives can be stressful over long periods of time. We have heightened awareness and are on edge if we don’t have a regular schedule.
 
2. Exercise
Lifting weights, stretching, and doing yoga have all helped me with my stress. I try to build in time at the gym or at home to be physically fit. In doing so I can best fight off negative feelings and exert some of the stress that creeps up on me when I’m going through a transitional period.
 
3. Sleep
If you are starting a different work shift, make it a priority to establish a regular sleep schedule if you can. While not all jobs allow for that, do your best to find a time in the day when you can get 7-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. While I tend to be okay with getting by on less sleep, it’s important we have that set period to rejuvenate and rest. Getting enough sleep is key in keeping us healthy.

4. Eating right
It’s so tempting when you’re in a rush and starting a big change in your life to rely on fast food options that are often unhealthy. Take the time to make yourself some meals that are nourishing for both the mind and the body. A simple internet search will pull up many options for recipes for such meals. I find that when I eat food that is high in sugar or heavily processed it can lead me to feel gross about myself and my body, which isn’t something I need.

5. Make time for yourself
After you’ve taken care of work, eating right, exercising, and sleep, set aside some time for you. Do the things that you know make you happy. For me this includes writing, watching movies, going on a walk or hike, and traveling. But whatever it is, make sure you schedule in an hour or two every so often to do the things that you enjoy. This is excellent for mental health and key to a healthy mind in a transitional state. 

There are some days I struggle with my hypocrisy. I try not to think about it too much, if at all, because it gets under my skin. I tell others to hang on when they’re feeling down in their lives. I want people to keep on living when they’re feeling suicidal and depressed.
 
Yet, the fact of the matter is that I don’t always want to keep on living. There are often times—usually once a month or so—when I want to throw in the towel and end it all. It’s a thought and sometimes it’s fleeting—gone in a minute. But I feel overwhelmed, tired, and trapped by responsibilities I don’t want such as work I don’t enjoy. Sometimes what I need to accomplish in a day—chores, errands, projects—seems too much. I’m unable to live in the moment and take pleasure in what I have.
 
I then think about the hypocrisy involved with that. There is a light that shines in us and I know that. To extinguish that light is tragic, as things can often turn around and get better. I’ve felt that in my own life.
 
Depression is a slog, though. It’s asking whether the glass is half-empty or half-full. Sometimes I look at it as a life-long struggle that never ends and that discourages me. I think about how depression will always be there and how much it tires me.

There’s another part of me, though, that recognizes the depression goes away. That my default state isn’t sadness, but kindness and helpfulness. Those times of feeling down are bumps along the way.

I think about people whom I know who seem mentally strong but at the same time hide their suicidal feelings. Sometimes they give in to them.. I never want to be that person. Past experiences have shown me I want to live when given the chance. Yet suicidal thoughts hang there, on the periphery and stare me down as I tell others, “Keep going.”

I know that for many people, their depression is fleeting. A message of encouragement is what they need in their darker hours. So, every little bit of help I can give to others is great. But it doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. And it feels hypocritical to tell others to keep going when I want to give in.
 
Regardless of what happens to me, I figure if I can get one person through a mentally rough patch, it’s worth spreading the word of staying with us. We need you, even if I may not always feel that way about myself. It doesn’t change that fact that you’re good and wanted and loved by so many others. And I know I am, too. If only that could always be enough.

Trigger warning: I get in the weeds in speaking about suicide in this entry. It may not be for everyone.

Suicidal ideation is a scary topic to talk about, both for the speaker and the listener. It's safe to say suicidal ideation is generally considered a bad thing. But there are parts of it that I’ve come to realize are worse than others. It’s one thing to think about throwing yourself in front of a train but knowing you’ll never act upon it. Yet suicidal ideation has many layers, some of which affect the individual more than others.

1. You never know what will set you over the edge
I can handle my thoughts most of the time but I live in fear of wondering what the thing will be that might set me over the edge. Will it be an unkind word from someone? A frustrating day at work? What helps is knowing coping skills that I can undertake when those difficulties occur in my life. I can try and adjust my thoughts and realize that things happen, but the important thing is my reaction to difficult situations. Things can change and that includes my feelings at that moment.

2. Other people don’t know what will set you over the edge
Once you share your thoughts of suicide with others, it’s possible they will fret about it. No one likes to hear someone they love is suffering, especially when it’s not treatable in an easy manner. I’ve come to learn that fine line between ideation and action. Thus I don’t always share when I’m feeling suicidal with others because I know there’s not a lot they can do about it. Yet, I must acknowledge friends and family can show emotional support which means I should share more often what’s going on in my brain. This support can go a long way to helping me recover from down times.

3. Wondering when it will go away
When suicidal ideation comes along, sometimes it hangs around for a few minutes, but other times it’s with me for days. It's not constant but it is consistent. Often times this is in passive ways that I don't register. This may include thinking about what it would be like to not exist when I have a difficult situation occur. Or it may mean thinking of how the impact of various vehicles would feel against my body if I jumped into traffic.
 
But I can’t help but wonder how long such feelings will stay with me. And that can be troublesome because in those moments I may believe I’ll never get better. I know I have to fight such feelings. They deny the reality that I do, deep down, want to be here on earth. But it can be hard if they’re going on for days at a time.
 
To combat this, I’ve learned that if these feelings go on for more than a day or two, I reach out to loved ones to let them know what I’m going through. Perhaps the ideation will pass away on its own, but when it comes to mental health, it’s always better to ask for support than not do so.

If you are feeling suicidal, or need someone to talk to, please call 1-800-273-8255.

I met with a man in a position of authority recently. “Kurt,” he told me, “I truly believes everything happens for a reason.” I nodded and smiled. He told me how he immigrated to America and achieved success.
 
I didn’t want to belittle his story, but while I put on a smiling face at his comment, inside I cringed. That’s because I used to believe that things happened for a reason. I thought that god had a plan for everyone and there was purpose and meaning for all my tragedies and successes.
 
Yet I always chafed under that idea because it didn’t line-up with my experiences with mental illness. Regardless of my belief in god--which is a different subject—as I got older it became harder for me to believe there was a reason for much of anything. Instead, I realized that experiences just are.

For a long time I wanted to believe that my depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts were going to make me into a greater or better person than I am today. But mental illness doesn’t go away. There’s not a lesson to learn from it. It's not like I wasn’t paying attention while I was driving and got in a car accident and now I should pay more attention on the road. No, my mental health issues are on-going. They always will be a part of me.

Some might argue that there are lessons to learn from this on-going struggle, though. I can use my experiences to help others, as I’m doing right now, they may say.
 
While that may seem like an easy answer, I hope I could help others with mental health issues without having to go through what I have. The idea of having to deal with suicide and feeling a constant state of mental weight on my brain is something I’d love to avoid. I don’t think I’d still need to be going through what I’m going through to share my experiences about mental health.
 
I find that when people say, “Everything happens for a reason,” it minimizes what I have gone through. It makes it seem as though my experiences are a pawn in some sort of larger game of life that can get me someplace whereby I will have “won.”

Based on my experiences I find it far more likely that things in life just are. They happen and there’s no reason. And that’s okay. I don’t need my trials and tribulations to have some grand meaning to know it’s worthwhile for me to be alive and to continue to live.
 
Years ago I learned to be okay with ambiguity (as much as it’s possible, at least) and the weirdness of life. It makes things fun and gives life a sense of adventure.
 
I’ve learned to become okay with life having no universal purpose. It’s up to each of us to come up with it on our own. I’ve chosen to do my best to live a life of service to others, but what you find makes you happy may differ. I continue to experience life with its ups and downs, but what I choose to make of them is my own decision. Anything else deprives us of our autonomy as human beings and limits what we can do and what our struggles mean to us.