When I was in college I threw off any pretensions I had of caring about classes, people or things. I knew I wanted to fit in but tried to mask it underneath an idea that nothing really mattered and I didn’t need anyone.

There was still a pressure to succeed, though. It wasn’t from my peers or even received much from my parents. It was a self-imposed notion that I should do well in my classes. Looking back I can see some of it was my perfectionism I had tried to stuff down inside me and some of it was competition with my peers.
 
I understood that when I got a D+ in Interpersonal Communications my freshman year that wasn’t a positive development. I believed I wanted to do well if for no other reason than I held myself to a high standard. My parents were spending their money to put me through college and I didn’t want to disappoint them.
 
These feelings of competition with myself and my peers led me to feel lonely. It seemed as though everyone else had things together—they didn’t have to struggle as hard with their studying and in taking tests. Understanding of subjects came easier to them. It seemed every person I talked to in my classes didn’t have any problems; I was the only one.
 
These feelings continued in graduate school, too. In fact, at some times they felt even more prevalent. There were fewer students and we all took the same classes. We hung out together on the weekends and were friendly. Yet I sensed that there was a comparison occurring in the background amongst the lot of us.
 
Looking back, I can now see I was wrong about my need for perfection and feelings of being alone in that struggle. Lots of students grapple with feelings of inadequacy. The loneliness that came about because of a belief of not being good enough was prevalent in so many of my peers.
 
Here are some ideas of what you can do when you feel lonely due to your perfectionism in school.
 
1. Share your story. Let others know you’re also feeling overwhelmed. It’s not easy to make yourself vulnerable but the payoff from it can be a weight off one’s shoulders. To be open and honest with your friends or family and let them know you’re struggling gives them the opportunity to help you during such times.

2. Know that what you may perceive as a failure doesn’t mean your world is over. As I mentioned, I got a D+ in Interpersonal Communication in the first semester of college. While this may not seem like the end of the world, I was majoring in communications. I couldn’t even get an A or B in the introductory class for my major. I felt humiliated and insufficient. What was I going to do? Well, I changed my major and got all A’s. And now I speak and write to others. From what I’m told, I’m pretty good at communication. A poor performance in one or two classes doesn’t mean you can’t have success in life.

3. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If your perfectionism and any anxiety or depression that comes with it is paralyzing you, don’t hesitate to go to your professors. Let them know what you’re struggling with. Often times they will be quite empathetic and understanding. Go to the counseling center and speak to someone there about your issues and concerns. Therapists have seen this sort of problem many times. And speak with family members if you’re close with them. They can often provide support during what is an otherwise difficult transitional time.

It can feel difficult to control feelings of perfectionism, especially at an elite school where it may seem everyone is better than you. There are feelings of inferiority. But you’re not alone in these feelings. There are people out there who want to help. And the things that you may perceive as failures don’t mean your chosen career path or goals are unattainable.
 
 
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​When my partner dumped me in an abrupt way in 2011, I found myself a few days later in a psychiatric hospital. Similarly, in 2001, with my graduation of college only a few weeks away, I couldn’t see a future for myself. Already depressed and hurt by a relationship that ended poorly (see a pattern here?) I tried to take my life.
 
I don’t deal well with change. In fact, it’s the thing at which I am the worst. It’s different if I take it up on my own: changing a job or moving. Yes, those are stressful activities, but I’m in charge. It’s the unintended changes; the times when I am struck with a life-altering event over which I have no control. Those are the ones with which I don’t fare well.
 
These big life changes are often the points in time that cause me to head in a downward spiral. For much of my life my base foundation is one of depression and anxiety. Thus, I find that an unintended alteration of my life trajectory compounds my situation. I crumble, I get scared, I see walls closing in. Nothing feels as though it will work out for good.
 
In the midst of these experiences, how do I find solace? Where do I go to find some stability? Well, to be honest, I’m still not the greatest at this. I have to work hard to make sure I’m on a good path. I have to stay focused and use all the coping mechanisms I’ve learned. It is very difficult, but I know that often my life may depend on it.
 
That said, here are a few things I do when I am undergoing changes that have a negative effect on me.
 
1) Reach out
Even if we feel very lonely, when we are honest with ourselves we can admit that we all have a few people in our lives to whom we can turn when we’re in trouble. When you feel your life spiraling downward due to change, reach out to those whom you know you can depend. Even if it’s that roommate you had five years ago whom you don’t speak to much, or that cousin you like but aren’t super close to—use that opportunity to reach out and fill them in on what’s happening with you. If you have close family or friends, that’s even better.
 
2) Create a plan
Creating a plan may be one of the last things you feel like doing when you’re suffering from unwanted change. But coming up with ideas of what you are going to do can provide focus. Having a routine and developing ideas to keep yourself occupied is a great way to fend off ruminating on a situation you find to be negative.
 
3) Become more involved
Let's say your change is due to losing someone or finding yourself in a new environment. Meeting new people can sometimes help ease that transition. Making a concerted effort to take part in new activities and making new friends can help in two ways. 1) It helps develop a new community with whom you can find connections. 2) It helps you not spend as much time thinking of the change that may be causing you pain.
 
Do you have any other suggestions you’d suggest for when you’re undergoing big life changes? What’s worked for you? What hasn’t? And did you know there are some good things that can come from change?
 
Like what you read? Want to have Kurt come talk to your group about belonging, loneliness, and mental health? Click here to contact him about speaking at your event.

In the throes of my depression, anxiety, and loneliness, I felt immovable. I couldn’t get out of bed due to my depression. My anxiety made me fearful of being around people for reasons I didn’t understand. For that matter, my loneliness often made it difficult for me to even find anyone with whom I may connect.
 
So, why are you stuck? What is it in your life that is keeping you from getting out of the rut in which you find yourself? These are deep, serious questions. We’re all struggling with some emotional issue in our lives. How can we find happiness and a solution to our concerns?
 
I have people come to me on a semi-regular basis, asking these questions in one form or another. How do I get unstuck? How do I get out of this depression or loneliness or anxiety?
 
I listen to make sure I understand what they’re saying and to empathize. I then let them know that my experiences are all I can base my suggestions on. Their situation is unique. But generally, the solution for getting unstuck is straightforward. Therapy and medication as well as self-help books and skills are what have worked for me.

For some people, their ability to get unstuck may resolve itself by talking with a trained outsider, i.e. a therapist. That may take a few sessions or it may be months. But having someone with training to listen with care and give their opinion on a matter can be what it takes to jolt us out of our mired state.

For others, they can get this freedom from their stuck position by reading a helpful self-help text. I’ve read books on cognitive behavioral therapy that showed me how my thoughts can affect my actions. These books sometimes included activities I could undertake to train my brain to think different.
 
There is also a need for some individuals to take medication to help with getting unstuck. For me that was the case. My depression and anxiety were so chronic that my brain needed a boost. I was far removed from normal functioning. I began a search with my psychiatrist to find something that might get me up to a level where therapy and self-help books could be more effective.
 
Taking that first step is what is important, though. And it’s not easy to ask for help and reach out. It’s tough. And it can be one of the most difficult things we may ever do.
 
But the alternative is being unhappy. And no matter how much we may have convinced ourselves otherwise, we do deserve to be happy. And we all want to be happy.
 
There are people who exist to help us in our journeys, even when it may not feel like it. But finding a method (therapy, self-help, and/or medications) of help is the best way for us to get unstuck. So what are you dealing with? And what can you do today to work toward no longer feeling stuck?
 
 
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I’ve been putting together posts for this blog for over a year. Every week I create a new post and sometimes I’ve posted more than once. People have commented to me that they’re amazed I’m able to come up with new content every week.
 
Sometimes I’m amazed I can do it, too. For those interested in writing about their mental health experiences, there are a few things to keep in mind.
 
1) Be honest
Start by sharing your own story. How did you get to a place of stability? If you’re not there yet, why not? What are the issues you struggle with? Write about those struggles. In a clear, concise manner, dig into what you’re going through. Attending therapy will help you understand better your mental health issues. This may make it easier to write out your feelings and experiences. But make sure they’re your experiences and you’re being honest. People value honesty more than anything. Regardless of whether it’s a success or failure.
 
2) Do your research
I read a lot about loneliness and mental health. For years I poured through magazine and newspaper articles as well as self-help books. I read about suicide, loneliness, depression, and anxiety. Reading as much as I did gave me a better sense of knowing what to write and I felt confident in my knowledge of the subject. That confidence helped my writing to be strong and robust.

3) Keep to your own experience
Don’t write about the mental health issues of others, unless it’s in relation to your own. Let them tell their own story. You don’t know what others are feeling or going through, so focus on you. There’s no quicker way to lose the favor of your readers than by making judgments about things of which you may not know much.

4) Break down your experiences
Instead of writing how you suffered from depression and now you’re not, explore the depression in detailed terms. What were the initial stages of your depression like? What was it like getting diagnosed? (Or if you haven’t been diagnosed, why not?) What were your experiences like with medication? Therapy? Other treatments? Each of these could be a blog entry in itself.

5) Read other blogs and news sites
I have a “favorites” section in my Google news that includes searches on articles about depression, loneliness, and mental health. I skim through those searches once a week and if an article seems interesting, I’ll read it. Perhaps I’ll write a response to it. And if not, it’s keeping me up on what’s going on in the field and it may give me ideas of what I can write about in the future.

What about you? If you're writing about mental health, do you have any tips on what makes for good content? Have you learned any lessons from your experiences writing on mental illness?
  
Like what you read? Want to have Kurt come talk to your group about belonging, loneliness, and mental health? Click here to contact him about speaking at your event.