​The road to becoming a speaker is tough. It’s something I explored for a little over a year now. It takes time to get your name out there and to book gigs. With the help of a lot of great people, I’ve learned the business side of the speaking world, which is something I would’ve never been able to pick up on my own. I made some good connections and I know I helped others.

Still, it’s been frustrating. I spend an hour or two each week on social media, promoting my blog posts. I spend the same amount of time writing those entries. I send out between 10 and 20 emails a week to orientation directors, activities departments, and counseling centers at schools. I follow up on those emails once or twice. Yet, I get little response. If schools do respond, they often don’t have the money to bring in mental health speakers. As I said in this post, schools do a great job of saying they want to help students with mental health, but not always putting their money where their mouth is. That’s not to say I expect them to spend cash on hiring me as a speaker, but generally, I don’t see the funding at schools for mental health programs.

The fact of the matter is that I quit a well-paying job over a year ago to focus on mental health speaking and it hasn’t brought in the income I hoped. I've had other work on the side to keep things going and perhaps I should give it more time—another six or twelve months.

But the reason I'm taking a break from speaking is that I came to realize something this past year. In my experiences with college students, my interest is in working with them in a direct manner. I had a lot of difficulty in college and grad school with my mental health. I very much want to work on a regular basis with such students in a university setting to help them work through their issues.

I’m ready to make another transition in my life. I’m going to graduate school for clinical social work. At this point, I’m not sure what graduate school I’ll attend. But, getting that degree will enable me to work at a college counseling center and help students on a daily basis.

For a long time I’ve wanted to do this work but I feared I would not enjoy it or lacked the patience needed. I remember how stubborn and difficult I was in my twenties. I recall how much grief I gave my therapists.

But I am more secure in myself now. I receive a lot of encouragement from my therapists, friends, and strangers who tell me I’d be a good therapist. I’ve matured to the point where I can handle a twenty-something version of myself. And I very much want to help people going through tough experiences.

I will leave my website up for the time being. The things I write about in this blog—loneliness, suicidality, anxiety, depression, and existential issues—are areas in which I will focus my practice. I’m very excited about the possibilities ahead. I'm also eager to utilize the passion I have to help others so they can deal with the mental health issues that I struggled with in the past. If I can help even one person, then it’s worth it. 

​When my partner dumped me in an abrupt way in 2011, I found myself a few days later in a psychiatric hospital. Similarly, in 2001, with my graduation of college only a few weeks away, I couldn’t see a future for myself. Already depressed and hurt by a relationship that ended poorly (see a pattern here?) I tried to take my life.
 
I don’t deal well with change. In fact, it’s the thing at which I am the worst. It’s different if I take it up on my own: changing a job or moving. Yes, those are stressful activities, but I’m in charge. It’s the unintended changes; the times when I am struck with a life-altering event over which I have no control. Those are the ones with which I don’t fare well.
 
These big life changes are often the points in time that cause me to head in a downward spiral. For much of my life my base foundation is one of depression and anxiety. Thus, I find that an unintended alteration of my life trajectory compounds my situation. I crumble, I get scared, I see walls closing in. Nothing feels as though it will work out for good.
 
In the midst of these experiences, how do I find solace? Where do I go to find some stability? Well, to be honest, I’m still not the greatest at this. I have to work hard to make sure I’m on a good path. I have to stay focused and use all the coping mechanisms I’ve learned. It is very difficult, but I know that often my life may depend on it.
 
That said, here are a few things I do when I am undergoing changes that have a negative effect on me.
 
1) Reach out
Even if we feel very lonely, when we are honest with ourselves we can admit that we all have a few people in our lives to whom we can turn when we’re in trouble. When you feel your life spiraling downward due to change, reach out to those whom you know you can depend. Even if it’s that roommate you had five years ago whom you don’t speak to much, or that cousin you like but aren’t super close to—use that opportunity to reach out and fill them in on what’s happening with you. If you have close family or friends, that’s even better.
 
2) Create a plan
Creating a plan may be one of the last things you feel like doing when you’re suffering from unwanted change. But coming up with ideas of what you are going to do can provide focus. Having a routine and developing ideas to keep yourself occupied is a great way to fend off ruminating on a situation you find to be negative.
 
3) Become more involved
Let's say your change is due to losing someone or finding yourself in a new environment. Meeting new people can sometimes help ease that transition. Making a concerted effort to take part in new activities and making new friends can help in two ways. 1) It helps develop a new community with whom you can find connections. 2) It helps you not spend as much time thinking of the change that may be causing you pain.
 
Do you have any other suggestions you’d suggest for when you’re undergoing big life changes? What’s worked for you? What hasn’t? And did you know there are some good things that can come from change?
 
Like what you read? Want to have Kurt come talk to your group about belonging, loneliness, and mental health? Click here to contact him about speaking at your event.

In the throes of my depression, anxiety, and loneliness, I felt immovable. I couldn’t get out of bed due to my depression. My anxiety made me fearful of being around people for reasons I didn’t understand. For that matter, my loneliness often made it difficult for me to even find anyone with whom I may connect.
 
So, why are you stuck? What is it in your life that is keeping you from getting out of the rut in which you find yourself? These are deep, serious questions. We’re all struggling with some emotional issue in our lives. How can we find happiness and a solution to our concerns?
 
I have people come to me on a semi-regular basis, asking these questions in one form or another. How do I get unstuck? How do I get out of this depression or loneliness or anxiety?
 
I listen to make sure I understand what they’re saying and to empathize. I then let them know that my experiences are all I can base my suggestions on. Their situation is unique. But generally, the solution for getting unstuck is straightforward. Therapy and medication as well as self-help books and skills are what have worked for me.

For some people, their ability to get unstuck may resolve itself by talking with a trained outsider, i.e. a therapist. That may take a few sessions or it may be months. But having someone with training to listen with care and give their opinion on a matter can be what it takes to jolt us out of our mired state.

For others, they can get this freedom from their stuck position by reading a helpful self-help text. I’ve read books on cognitive behavioral therapy that showed me how my thoughts can affect my actions. These books sometimes included activities I could undertake to train my brain to think different.
 
There is also a need for some individuals to take medication to help with getting unstuck. For me that was the case. My depression and anxiety were so chronic that my brain needed a boost. I was far removed from normal functioning. I began a search with my psychiatrist to find something that might get me up to a level where therapy and self-help books could be more effective.
 
Taking that first step is what is important, though. And it’s not easy to ask for help and reach out. It’s tough. And it can be one of the most difficult things we may ever do.
 
But the alternative is being unhappy. And no matter how much we may have convinced ourselves otherwise, we do deserve to be happy. And we all want to be happy.
 
There are people who exist to help us in our journeys, even when it may not feel like it. But finding a method (therapy, self-help, and/or medications) of help is the best way for us to get unstuck. So what are you dealing with? And what can you do today to work toward no longer feeling stuck?
 
 
Like what you read? Want to have Kurt come talk to your group about belonging, loneliness, and mental health? Click here to contact him about speaking at your event.

​The years of anxiety and fear were never-ending in my mind. My self-confidence was always low. I didn’t know how I would ever get beyond my worries.
 
That paragraph might describe many times in my life. It could be the two years after college when I lived with my parents and couldn’t fathom a way out of living with them. Or the years I put off moving to some big city where I knew I may thrive but was too intimidated. Or it's the time I declined to admit I wanted something—anything—that might be more than what I felt I “deserved.”
 
Why had words of encouragement never sunk in? Why had I always doubted myself and my abilities? And how did I overcome these fears?
 
For most of my life I didn’t believe when people gave me compliments. Much of this has to do with my depression and anxiety—I felt (and very much believed) that I wasn’t good enough. I believed that my mental health issues made me less of a human being. Thus, when someone told me they appreciated what I did or said, I didn’t believe them. I had too many years of experience telling me otherwise. Besides, I knew what I felt, and what I felt seemed real. It was more real than any words from someone who wasn’t living my life.
 
So I truly believed I wasn’t a good writer or speaker. I doubted that I had anything of importance to share.
 
But with time comes experience. And confidence. And taking my medications to help calm my anxiety and depression helped a great deal, too.
 
I began to trust others and their judgments of me. I also had to put into the proper place my perfectionism. I began to understand that I could be a good writer even if I wasn’t the best one ever. When people complimented me on my writing I knew that at least I had touched that one person. And every individual counts.
 
At some point I realized I detested a life of static unhappiness. I figured out the things I enjoyed (it took me well into my 30s—I hope you have the ability to find out what makes your heart flutter well before that). And things lined up well enough that I felt comfortable quitting my job and taking on many part-time positions. At the same time I am now working toward fulfilling my goal to be a mental health speaker.

There’s never a right time to make your leap to living a life you want to live. I've heard this a hundred times. But you do what you can to find a time that works as well as you imagine it’s going to get. Then you take that leap. It’s scary and I’m still trying to figure how everything shakes out.
 
But I’m glad I made my move to fulfill my goals. Because 1) I don’t want to live a life where I’m unhappy; 2) you won’t know unless you try; 3) maybe—just maybe—I am better and more worthy of joy and contentment than I thought. And if you’re being honest with yourself, you will see that you are, too.
 
 
Like what you read? Want to have Kurt come talk to your group about belonging, loneliness, and mental health? Click here to contact him about speaking at your event.

In high school I was a conflicted person. I found myself torn apart by a desire to do good and be a well-behaved kid, one who pleased his parents and teachers. At the same time I was angry and irritable. I grew frustrated with others often. Amongst the students at my school and my church I was a black sheep. I was into punk rock and the lifestyle it led, minus the drinking and drugs. But I dressed the part. I acted tough and indifferent.

I found myself not in any huge trouble, but got kicked out of my fair share of classes due to speaking back to the teachers. At first I felt guilty for my actions but suppressed those feelings because I was so angry at everyone and everything.
 
I didn’t realize at the time that my anger and frustration was in part a result of being a teenager. It was also in part from my depression and irritability. I didn’t know how to express myself and everything I felt. I didn’t feel as though there was anyone I could speak with about what I was going through.
 
In my college years I stuck out like a sore thumb. I went to a conservative, Christian college. Although I identified myself as a Christian at that time, my sense of humor, style of dress, and attitude aligned with punk values caused me to stick out.
 
The story of everything that occurred between then and now is long. And I can’t point to only one or two experiences which changed my way of being. I now dress like a lot of other people, although I eschew trends and high fashion. I’m as comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt as anything else.
 
What I’ve discovered is the best way to stick out and set yourself apart as a radical is to show kindness and empathy. So many people are drowning in hate, frustration, and anger. Loving others who frustrate you is a radical notion.
 
Especially in the age in which we live, taking time to listen to others will set you apart. It will cause you to draw attention more than someone with a pink mohawk that is a foot tall or if you have piercings all over your face. It takes physical strength to endure a tattoo or piercing. But putting one’s self out there for sustained periods of emotional challenges is fierce and not easy.
 
So why do I go this route? Because the payoff is remarkable. And because I’ve learned that being rude and talking back to people feeds on itself. It solves nothing and leads to no progress. It strikes with the fist and crushes others. But showing dedication and love to others can make lives better and cause others to smile, hope, and live to their fullest.

Some aim to live in power, lording themselves over others. My goal is to show humility. It’s a wonderful path to take to be this kind of black sheep, and something far better than any type of outcast I may have been in high school.

I’ve been going through many changes in my life with not only a new job but also a redirection for my future. I’m desiring to do something that will have a bigger impact on those around me through mental health writing and speaking. These are all positive things and yet they stress me out a great deal. Change is never easy, but as someone who struggles with anxiety and depression, I learned a few things that are of some help during such times.

1. Keep your routine as much as possible
This isn’t always easy for everyone in times of change, especially if you have a longer commute or work a different shift. But, it’s important to establish a routine in that new schedule sooner rather than later. Many of us find a routine to be comforting as the general chaos of our lives can be stressful over long periods of time. We have heightened awareness and are on edge if we don’t have a regular schedule.
 
2. Exercise
Lifting weights, stretching, and doing yoga have all helped me with my stress. I try to build in time at the gym or at home to be physically fit. In doing so I can best fight off negative feelings and exert some of the stress that creeps up on me when I’m going through a transitional period.
 
3. Sleep
If you are starting a different work shift, make it a priority to establish a regular sleep schedule if you can. While not all jobs allow for that, do your best to find a time in the day when you can get 7-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. While I tend to be okay with getting by on less sleep, it’s important we have that set period to rejuvenate and rest. Getting enough sleep is key in keeping us healthy.

4. Eating right
It’s so tempting when you’re in a rush and starting a big change in your life to rely on fast food options that are often unhealthy. Take the time to make yourself some meals that are nourishing for both the mind and the body. A simple internet search will pull up many options for recipes for such meals. I find that when I eat food that is high in sugar or heavily processed it can lead me to feel gross about myself and my body, which isn’t something I need.

5. Make time for yourself
After you’ve taken care of work, eating right, exercising, and sleep, set aside some time for you. Do the things that you know make you happy. For me this includes writing, watching movies, going on a walk or hike, and traveling. But whatever it is, make sure you schedule in an hour or two every so often to do the things that you enjoy. This is excellent for mental health and key to a healthy mind in a transitional state. 

I’m just shy of forty years old and I never thought I’d make it to this age. Since I was in middle school I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety and my goal back then was survival. I didn’t think about the future and so I had to make up things as I went along.
 
I didn’t know what I was doing as the years went by. I felt such anguish and pain at the inability to know what I was meant to do with my life. I saw so many others around me in relationships and on career paths. I felt lost and impatient at not having direction.
 
Now my picture is a bit clearer. I know I want to help those with mental health issues such as the ones I’ve experienced. I want to speak to groups and write about what has worked for me. I’m figuring out how to make that happen in a way that is sustainable.

It took me much longer than I would’ve preferred to get to where I am today. But I wanted to share four things I did that helped me get to where I have a better idea of what I want to do with my life.
 
1. Find work you can tolerate and that provides stability
I’ve worked in libraries for almost fifteen years. It wasn’t my calling; I actually went to library school because I needed to get out of my parents’ house. But after thinking it over I realized that going to grad school was about finding something I could enjoy enough to deal with every day as a job. I wasn’t sure that it was exactly what I wanted to do, but it has provided me with a steady career, a decent paycheck, and health insurance.

2. Try things
While you’re working a job that you can tolerate/enjoy, try to do as many new things as possible. Move to a different city, take a class, travel someplace that makes you uncomfortable, pick up new hobbies. The more things you try, the better you’ll get an idea for what you like and what you don’t like.

3. Read a lot
I picked up a lot of self-help books to educate myself on life. I read books on how to deal with depression and anxiety (Mind Over Mood), and creating the life you’ve always wanted (Four-Hour Work Week). I took many different career tests to figure out what type of work might be good for me. I followed recommendations from friends, family, and people in the self-help field whose work I respected. I picked up a lot of food for thought that pushed me in some new directions.

4. Put yourself out there
It’s scary to try new things. Fear of rejection held me back for so long. My self-esteem was pretty low. But asking for help and advice from people I respected gave me encouragement. And even though I faced some setbacks, I wouldn’t have made progress if I hadn’t tried. 

Transition can be a very difficult thing for me. Even when it’s something I put upon myself it can be hard. It’s the uncertainty and the fear of all that might go wrong that gets to me. But change can also be a good thing. Let's look at a few of those positive reasons below.

1. Change can inspire us
Change can be a good catalyst for getting a new perspective not only on the environment in which we find ourselves, but on ourselves. Travel inspires me to get a new vision of my life and serve as a reset. Change in what we’re doing in our lives as far as a big move or career change can do the same. It forces us to question what we want and who we are.

2. Change can show us a side of ourselves we may not otherwise know
In going through a change, especially in a new career, we can learn we are good at certain things we may not have otherwise thought. A few years ago I took a chance and became a tour guide. I had no idea if I’d be good at it but discovered that it was something at which I not only excelled but enjoyed. Who knew that I, an introvert, would enjoy being social? But if I hadn’t taken a chance at that change I would’ve missed out on something that has now become a livelihood.

3. It can expand our minds
If we’re willing to take a chance with change we can learn new things. And learning new things can make us wiser and more open-minded, which can only inspire more empathy and kindness toward others. (Or at least that’s the goal for me.) By taking a chance to move to Seattle back in 2006 I grew so much as an individual in only two years. I learned about what I believed, spiritually and intellectually. I also learned how to adapt to some of the most jarring change possible (new home, new friends, new job) all at once. But it was worth it and I’d do it again.

4. It’s a reminder to take care of ourselves
Moments of change are the most important occasions to do self-care. It should almost be a default setting in our minds: change = taking time to take care of me. That’s something important for me to remember as I start a new job. To stay healthy I need to hit the gym, get enough sleep, and not overtax myself with other responsibilities. All these things (and more) are good things to remember when you and I are going through changes.