​Last week I wrote about my experience with meditation. This week I have some recommendations for how to get into meditation. Remember, your mileage may vary, but here is what works for me.

1. If you’re in a city, it’s likely there are classes you can take to learn the basics of meditation. At its core, meditation is about focusing on something (usually your breath). Then, you use that focus as a stable foundation to try and stay in the moment despite the fact that your mind will wander. Finding a teacher who can get you up and running can be quite helpful.

2. Pick up some books on meditation to expand your understanding. As I mentioned in last week's post, Jon Kabat-Zinn is one of the people who help get mindfulness to the level it’s known today in America. Any of his works are quite helpful. There are many other authors out there who are well-respected leaders in mindfulness and meditation, though. Find one whose writings jibe with you.

3. Get a meditation app. There are plenty of them out there. I use one called Insight because it has many free options. Some apps include specialty meditations to help with anxiety or depression. They also include meditations to help you sleep. Most are guided, which means a teacher speaks and tells you how to breathe and what to think about while you sit there. It’s not a controlling thing, but instead gentle guidance.

4. Practice, practice, practice. The more time you put into meditating, the more results you’ll see. For me, as I meditate daily I find I remind myself to turn to my breath in moments of stress more often. It helps relieve my anxiety and calms me. Do I remember to do this all the time? No. Are all my meditation sessions enlightening, ethereal moments where I reach another consciousness? Hardly. Sometimes my mind wanders about for 15 minutes and I rarely focus on my breath or calming my mind. But I know that’s not how it is every time and that the time I’m putting in is helpful.

Have you spent any time meditating? If so, how was it? Did you find it helpful? Feel free to respond in the comments—I’m interested in hearing your thoughts.

​I’ve been meditating for over 15 years. When I was a Christian back in high school and college I thought meditation was a weird thing. I presumed only people who believed in crystals and the New Age movement meditated. As I left my faith and began to explore self-help, I realized there is much more to meditation than finding a connection with some higher power.

Through work with cognitive behavioral therapy, I came across the works of Jon Kabat-Zinn. I purchased his book Wherever You Go, There You Are. This work taught me the foundation of mindfulness. I learned the importance of breathing and how to deal with anxiety in that fashion.

From that point on, I did a lot of my own research, digging into the works of Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk, and others in Buddhist thought. While I don’t consider myself a Buddhist, I find a lot of meaning in their philosophy and views of the world. As I’ve written before, I identify with the five remembrances of the Buddha and think about them daily.

I also found doing yoga for many years taught me to control my breath. I learned that my breath was something I could return to at any time or place and find some grounding in my life. I don’t want to make this sound super easy or casual—it can be difficult at times. And it takes a great deal of practice to get to the point where I can remind myself without too much trouble to breathe and find a focus that way.
 
Nowadays I try and commit somewhere from 10 to 25 minutes each day meditating. I attempt to do so in the morning but sometimes I’ll do it at night right before I go to bed. Depending on the time of day, meditating can either get me ready for the day to come or calm down so I can sleep.

In my blog post next week I’ll give some tips on how to get into meditation if it’s a new thing for you.
 
 
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From the ages of 21 to 23, I ran a website that focused on entertainment, in particular, independent music. As part of the website, I wrote a column and on occasion published some poetry. Like much of what we write in our teens and early twenties, it’s embarrassing to look back upon. There were emotions behind the words but they didn’t express what I wanted them to. It was as though my writing was the same as a young teen going through puberty: the body wants to reach fruition, but the shape sometimes trips over itself. The feet are too big, the shoulders too small, or the legs gangly compared to the rest of the body.
 
Yet the writing saved my life in my early twenties. It was the only way I knew to get my emotions out. It was imperfect but it was all I had. On occasion, my bipolar, medication-addled mind would produce a phrase or paragraph that made sense. The words expressed how I felt in an adequate way. There were words that could affect people. I had readers of my column tell me as much. A woman fell in love with me through my words. It was a horrible relationship but it showed me the power words can have.

Over the years I’ve written as a means to express myself and help others. I’ve tried to get pieces published, but often to little success. There are a lot of writers vying for a few slim spaces. On occasion, something gets posted on a website. I’ve done zines and blogs, but it often seems the only people reading are my friends. And while I appreciate that my words are helpful to them, whatever art we’re creating we all hope will help a wider audience than those closest to us.

I’ve written many books that will likely never see the light of day. In the future, I’ll work on others. They’re memoir or music writing, or a combination of both. I don’t feel so compelled to share them anymore. I’ve learned to write simply for me.

I recently found myself in a bad place in my head. I was alone in my apartment and I didn’t want to bother anyone at midnight with my disposition. I had many bad avenues my thoughts were going down. I’ll spare you the details.

I thought about packing a bag and checking myself into the hospital. Instead, I wrote. And wrote. All my fears and worries and anxieties. It didn’t stop for over an hour and at the end, I had a mess of incoherent thoughts. But I realized I was doing the same thing I had done when I was 20. I wrote my way through my saddest, loneliest moments to make sense of who I am and what’s going on in my mind.

At the end of my time writing, I had no energy. But I felt a bit better. And I knew writing had saved me once again, as it always has.

Whatever you have that gets you through your dark times—writing, playing music, knitting or some other creative art—continue to nurture it. Respect it. Don’t let it die. Because even if you’re only doing it for yourself, as I do now with my writing, it may save your life as writing has done for me.
 
 
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​There has been a lot written on the importance of being thankful. I think about things that make me grateful from time to time. Writing in a journal and being a reflective person gives me the ability to see how far I’ve come in my journey. And I acknowledge I’ve been a very fortunate person who has received benefits in life that many don’t receive. And for that alone I’m grateful. But in that spirit of gratitude I want to list a few things for which I am thankful. My hope is that this will prompt you to take a moment to acknowledge thankfulness in your own life, which might in turn lead to some happiness.

1. Medication and therapy
I know medication for depression and anxiety isn’t for everyone, but I’m convinced if I wasn’t on meds I’d be dead. I believe this because the time I tried to go off it in a responsible way with the help of my psychiatrist, I ended up in the hospital. Therapy, too, has been quite beneficial in giving me an opportunity to vent and work through issues I’ve faced.

2. My living situation
I live in a big city but am fortunate to have a place with affordable rent. My living situation is such I can support myself with a few part-time jobs that I’ve cobbled together into full-time hours. I do all this while working toward my goal of being a full-time mental health speaker on subjects of loneliness and belonging. But I’m very thankful for this opportunity I have. I don’t feel strapped for cash all the time, which has given me the confidence I need to work toward my goal.

3. Friends and family
While many of my friends and family live far away, I find their encouraging emails, texts, and messages on social media helpful. They keep me going toward my goals, celebrating my successes and encouraging me in my disappointments. It’s nice to know I have a team of people who believe in me and support me in all aspects of my life. My relationships have changed over the years with them. Some people move away and grow distant, but I still feel a general sense of care from others which I truly appreciate.
 
Those are a few of the things I am thankful for, but what about you? What things have made your life happier and for which you are grateful?
 
 
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In my attempts to deal with my mental health issues I’ve learned the importance of empathy. I’ve always tried to be a kind, compassionate person. Yet it’s the development of empathy in my life that has caused me to grow the most.

In doing so, I learned to put myself in the shoes of others. At a prior job I had a manager who was quite cruel. She yelled at others. (Never me, though. For some reason she liked me.) She would scream at them and lose her cool on a weekly basis. People couldn’t stand her. It was easier for me to handle because I never came under direct fire from her. Yet when I heard stories of her flying off the handle I thought, “What happened to her to cause her to be so mean? What kind of emotional trauma did she undergo? Or what was her life like that she never learned to communicate her frustration in a productive way?”

While not wanting to minimize the emotional impact her outbursts had on my co-workers, I also tried identifying the hurt she may have experienced that caused her to behave in the manner she did.
 
While not blinded to the fact that cruelty seems baked into the DNA of some people, I’m also ready and willing to give others the benefit of the doubt. Some of this comes from my own experiences. From my studies of history I learned violence and struggle don’t appear out of nowhere. People have undergone pain and frustration that gives rise to their actions.

The sooner we can accept that we are individuals with flaws who make mistakes, the sooner we can accept others and their mistakes. Bitterness and anger magnifies in our lives while kindness and empathy often can bring a like return.
 
But how does having empathy for others help with my own mental health? As I learned to empathize with others I realized that to do so also meant I had to do the same for myself. I wasn’t an exception to the rule of trying to understand others’ pain. I had my own experiences I had to put in context. I needed to understand that the reasons I was irritable were because of my depression and fears. I learned that was okay and to forgive myself for having those feelings of frustration with others.
 
I also learned it was fine to cut myself some slack, as I would for others who were going through difficult times. While not excusing my mean or immature behavior, I also put it in context and understand why it happened. Empathy, then, returns dividends not only for relationships with others but with the connection we have with ourselves.
 
This process was not quick and easy. I had to let fall many walls in my life and be honest and acknowledge I was worthwhile. But I want to be a kind, caring person. Yet it’s hypocritical to offer love to others but withdraw it for myself. So I had to take that leap and acknowledge that my kindness and empathy needed given to all people, even me. Acknowledging that everyone deserved empathy gave me permission to begin to put my attitude in perspective. Knowing that everyone needed empathy—and finally acknowledging that meant me, too—opened me up to the beginning of going easy on myself.
 
 
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I’ve been struggling with patience. And not only recently. My lack of patience has been an issue for me for a long time. Something happened many years ago—I attempted to take my life. That was a difficult time in my life, but I’ve come out of that place with a clearer direction of who I want to be and where I want to go.
 
There was a time in my life where I wanted to try everything. I wanted to be a stand-up comedian, I wanted to act in plays, I wanted to be a well-known writer. I had dreams of saving up money to travel the world for a year. I thought about learning to climb mountains. Yet I’ve come to realize that unfortunately, we don’t have enough time in our lives to do all that we desire.
 
So we have to focus. And for my part I’ve chosen to focus on mental health. Sharing my experiences with loneliness and mental health issues enables me to do public speaking (which I enjoy) as well as travel.
 
I’ve always been a person who lacks patience, though. I want things to be over with so I can get to the good stuff: the trips I’ve planned, the holidays I enjoy, the visits from friends. I want work to be over so I can go to the gym, and then I want the gym to be over so I can go home and take a shower. Then I want the night to be over so I can sleep and the work week to be over because on the weekends I get to work on what I really desire: my writing and speaking.
 
In doing so I often miss the simple pleasures of life: the warmth of the sun, the fine writing of a good sentence in a book, the soft fur of my cat.
 
My lack of patience also causes me to not appreciate my successes. I look past when I do things I enjoy such as speak with audiences or share a story that gets a good laugh. I acknowledge it, but never seem to fully appreciate it.

I want to go to the next thing and complete my next goal.

I find that my lack of patience can raise my irritability. It leads me to become grumpy when things don’t go the right way. I can also get depressed and desperate. When a success seems as though it’s a year or two away and will need a great deal of work I can despair. I worry that my depression and anxiety will overwhelm me before then.

So what can I do in these situations?

1. Take some time to slow down and appreciate the little things. I’ve found meditation helps me relax and learn to focus on what is bothering me. I can appreciate my breath. I may not always be able to stop at any time during the day and enjoy my experience at that moment, but I’m at least trying and that’s worth something.
 
2. Recognize during those times of anxiety and impatience that “This too shall pass.” I will get to my goal at some point, as I have so many times before. And when that happens…
 
3. Enjoy and celebrate those successes. Go out to dinner with friends, make myself a cake, tell my friends and family. We all deserve love and respect no matter what goes on. There’s nothing wrong with loving ourselves. We can show the same appreciation for a job well done as we would for a friend who accomplishes something great.


Like what you read? Want to have Kurt come talk to your group about belonging, loneliness, and mental health? Click here to contact him about speaking at your event.