What is it that scares you the most? What fears do you have in your mind that nestle behind everything else going on in your life? What would happen if they were to come true? Would you rise to the challenge that they present?
I was in a relationship until recently that lasted for many years. In the back of my mind I became terrified that should the relationship end I would find myself crushed. My spirit would break and I would fall into the depths of despair. And in some ways that occurred, but it happened while I was still in the relationship.
Toward the end of our time together I sensed things weren’t going to work out. My partner and I grew further apart. We spent less time together and started hanging out with different people. Our circles weren’t overlapping and our interests diverged.
It was during those final months my mental health started to take a downward spiral. I felt suicidal and depressed. I had times where I wanted to take my own life. I was mourning and cut up by the end of a relationship even though I was still in it. The route and relationship by which my grief flowed weren’t a traditional one. But in some ways it was better for me since I had a partner there to help me as we sorted through things. We had a lot of discussions. We took time apart.
In my mind I lived with my fears: abandonment, depression, suicidality, loneliness. I feared all these may rear their heads and crush me or kill me.
I have spent the past two decades working toward good mental health. It’s something I do every day through meditation, journaling, and speaking about it with others. I have the tools I need to grow and succeed. I have the confidence—although it’s taken me a long time to get it—to know I am capable of handling big things. I can deal with most everything that comes my way and if not, I have the support system to help me. I’ve worked on my relationships and friendships and they’ve proved to be beneficial.
Thus, when the relationship I had been in all these years finally did end it hurt, but not as bad as I feared it might. I relied on the support system I had and decided to use this new situation as an opportunity to address issues in my life. I worked to develop new friendships, become more involved with activities and found the time to pursue the things I love to do.
Those months before the end of the relationship were some of the most difficult ones I’ve experienced in many years. But my worries didn't crush me; instead, they continued to sculpt me into someone who is often working on himself. I'm trying to improve my mental health and help others along the way, in the same way that friends and family have helped me to overcome my worst fears.
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This blog is an exploration of the subjects of belonging and loneliness. I also look at mental health issues. I seek to provide content to my readers that is informative and helpful. If you don't want to miss anything, sign up for my email list.