Most days when I was in first grade I wanted to go home and be with my mom. I’d go into the bathroom in the back of the class and cry. I’m sure a lot of it was anxiety. But over the years I’ve dealt with not enjoying my time at school, no matter where I was: middle school, high school, or college. I simply wanted to do my own thing.
I suppose that is in part why it was so easy for me to get into punk rock, with its rebellion against authority. I hate having people tell me what to do and when to do it. I’m happy to take advice, but if I don’t feel the work is worthwhile, then I’m not interested in it. So it’s not surprising that in my work life I haven't enjoyed working unless I could do whatever I wanted. I need autonomy in my job to be able to act how I want and say and do what was important to me. That hardly occurs at most jobs.
It’s taken me almost forty years to realize that my best bet is to work for myself. I don’t want to own some large corporation with employees. I want to be my own boss and rely upon myself to push me to succeed.
I've spoken about this to my therapist—working for others seems to be one of the only things makes me depressed anymore. My current job situation is better than past ones. Until recently, my disinterest in work forced me to focus on living right in the moment. I had to not think ahead to the anxiety that working for someone else caused me. I had to harness the meditation and relaxation skills I learned over the years in therapy.
I often feel bad for not being thankful for the good work I have and how much has given to me. I don’t understand why in the past it drove me into the ground to get up every day and get on the subway and go to work with the masses.
I recall what my parents told me about how so many people don’t have it so good. I should feel lucky to be in such a fortunate situation. I was never taught that I can do whatever it is I want to do if I try hard enough. I would’ve loved to have someone encourage me in my writing when I was in my early twenties, or in my speaking at that time. I wonder who I could’ve been if I had a mentor that guided me and showed me the way in what I wanted to do.
But it’s better late than never and rather than complaining about things, I am becoming my own boss through speaking and running a tour business. it's not easy, but by being my own boss I find a joy I haven't had at any other job.
Have you disliked most of your jobs? Perhaps look at utilizing your talents into creating your own company or organization. It’s helped my mental health a great deal and is incredibly rewarding.
This blog is an exploration of the subjects of belonging and loneliness. I also look at mental health issues. I seek to provide content to my readers that is informative and helpful. If you don't want to miss anything, sign up for my email list.